Catching Up

I’ve been naughty.

In my health support group I have posted journal entries and never actually journalled myself so I’m catching up now.


Journal Prompt: What are the top 3 emotions or mental habits that keep you from your health goals?

  • Depression/anxiety: My depression often gets me into long periods of sadness about a bleak future.  I often think about where I am in life and compare it to where I thought I should be by now…and I KNOW that it is mostly in my head and the future is what I make it.  Even so I still get anxious thinking about my future.  By now I expected to have an established career, gotten married, and maybe even be raising a mini-me. In today’s reality I recently began yet another new career, I’m unmarried, and the outlook of it and children seems grim these days.  When I’m feeling depressed or anxious I often turn to unhealthy high fat and high sugar foods.
  • Low self esteem: Lately it has been hard to look in the mirror.  Sometimes if I catch a glimpse of myself I am overwhelmed with this feeling of despair and shame.  I have sat at my desk crying simply because I saw myself that day.  I have trouble feeling beautiful because I’m consumed with overriding demeaning thoughts.  I often tell myself I’m weak and pathetic because I can’t simply kick my cravings.
  • Overthinking everything:  I often overthink and it hinders my performance.  Even when I’m horseback riding the less I think about how to ride the better I actually ride.  My best rides are often the days I either just woke up or I’m utterly exhausted; purely because my mind is running at low capacity.  My brain will often play tricks on me or take me on a journey where thoughts connects to another topic which then leads me to another topic.  Seeing a squirrel, for example, could very well eventually lead to me to thinking about a vacation I want to take next year or what somebody said to me last week.

Journal Prompt: Do you have any “toxic relationships”?  Do they serve a purpose for you? Is there a way you could give them up or change them?  How would you do that?

This isn’t exactly the type of entry I would make public but what I can say is that yes, there are a few toxic relationships in my life.  There are a couple of people that push food.  Most of the time I can be stubborn enough to refuse and win, but when I do it’s often with the other person feeling as though they had failed.  A way I plan to change this is helping them see it as a win for them as well.  By helping these food pushers realize that by standing down they are in fact helping me succeed in my goals.

I also have a few relationships that have toxic qualities.  Sometimes the mere thought of these relationships cause me stress and/or anxiety.  I can eliminate them, sure, but at a great cost that I haven’t yet been able to bring myself to cope with.  Another way around this is by using my words and discussing things with these people.  Many problems are often resolved when people take the time to recognize the issues and talk about it.

Journal Prompt: How would your life be different without these habits, mental and emotional constructs, and relationships?

If I didn’t suffer from anxiety, depression, stress, sleep deprivation, sugar cravings, food reliance, low self esteem, and overthinking?  I would call myself a healthy human being.  I would be happy because I could cope with my life’s stress.  I’d be well rested and well nourished; body and soul.  I’d have healthy relationships, and I wouldn’t be on edge all the time.  THIS is the person that I want to be.


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